good morning, beautiful people. this is your captain, joelle, speaking, and i’m here to tell you that things are looking beautiful over here on the other side of everything. it’s sunny and seventy eight degrees and there’s nothing to worry about at all. the day is warm and the light is smooth and all around us stretches an invisible web of light and love connecting us to all beings past and present, but if that’s too trippy for you just look at how nice the ocean looks from up here. you have absolutely nothing to worry about folks. today is gonna be just perfect.
with the news for the day: nothing to report here, really, except to say that everything is going to be okay in the end and there’s no reason to panic. it got a little turbulent there for a while, as your captain, but hey, we made it to the end, right? sometimes it just gets a little cloudy and the sky just makes a little hiccup. but that’s alright, folks, we’re out here on the other side and it is breezy. smooth sailing from here on out.
as for everything else, we just got word in from the executive producers and it is all okay, there is absolutely nothing to worry about. your friends all called just to say how much they love you and your parents are alive, and healthy still, and they can’t believe how well you turned out and how proud they are of you. brag about you every chance they get, in fact. the person you love most in this world loves you back, and your childhood dog is not and has never been dead, and you are going to wake up again tomorrow, and the sky will be blue as the blues itself for the rest of your time here.
as a reminder, you are loved and you are special and you are important, and all the times you thought people hated you or that you said something weird nobody was even really paying attention, because everyone else is even more in their head than you are. what a relief, right? but also you don’t have to worry about whether or not they’re experiencing the fullness of the human condition or reaching their true spiritual potential or not, because like i said, it’s all good, man. they were neurotic but just that once and everyone is just coasting along to happiness, same as always baby.
and finally, just to round us out for the day, we want to remind you that all the things you think that make you feel good are the correct ones, and all the things that make you feel bad you simply don’t have to feel anymore.
as a final reminder, keep your hands and feet inside the ride at all times, folks, and try not to projectile vomit on any of the nice little kiddos down below.
oh, and remember - smile! it’s all in your head. you wouldn’t want to make that a bad place to be, would you?
the manic pixie dream girl’s guide to existential angst is a free newsletter (and the occasional poem) from joelle schumacher. if you enjoy their work or would like to support it, you can become a paid subscriber, subscribe to or write in to their advice column, or buy them a coffee. they are also currently offering a limited-space online class for interested students who want to learn how to access their innate creativity and how to become (and actually embody) a real life artist.
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